I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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