It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
