Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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