I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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