You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
