walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
