I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
