I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Bring me that man meat
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
