DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
