Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
