I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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