I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
