ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
