I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
