Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
