Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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