I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
