Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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