I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Randomize
