I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
