This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are the jesus of drinking
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
