Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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