I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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