Where is the hickey?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
