hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
