My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.