i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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