Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.