ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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