I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
