So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
