dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
