3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
