Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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