theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
What a dumb baby whore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
