I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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