i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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