My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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