Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
