I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
