Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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