Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
