I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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