I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
