He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
