I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
