Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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