I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
there is glitter all over my balls
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