I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
