I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
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I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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