Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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