Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation