After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.