At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
