You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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