The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
