I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Are we still banned from the library?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
