i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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